Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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