shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
