My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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