Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
