I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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