The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
