White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
