apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I touched a dick in church today
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
