Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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