I can text with my tongue
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
