Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
