You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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