he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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