i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
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