There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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