Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
