WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
