Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
