i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
