If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
