she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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