I just saw a hot homeless man
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
