I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
