I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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