What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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