she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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