I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
