he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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