I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
