We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
