why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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