you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
