ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
