I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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