and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Randomize
