im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
