Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
