I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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