Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
