this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Randomize
