Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
