So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
