Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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