I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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