I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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