oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
