So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
