I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
