I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
