if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Randomize
