just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
