Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
