highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Less talking, more tequila
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
