new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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