My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
